That Green Stuff

This story was brought to you by PBL Inc.  And sponsored by Cool FM

I know it looks long but trust me its a great read!

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Having completed my first year in University, I’ve come to discover so many things, things that cannot be expressed in a blog, tweet, essay, words….you get the point….sure….Ok let’s move on.After thorough meditation which led to falling asleep incessantly, I can only express what I have come to discover in three words.

THAT SHIT CRAZY.

While in school, I learnt something that is very helpful, applicable to all and sundry, whether young or old, male or female, ugly or beautiful, tall or Simisola, white or ebony.

Whenever you a take a joint, please stay in an enclosed area or else…….

It all started on a cold Saturday morning, I was preparing for a school debate. I was in my room staring at the female hostel from my room, getting ideas and preparing for the debate (yeah….I’m bad like that.)Then I started to feel my stomach growling, shit happens I said……..literally. After using a drug, I felt better. Going back to prepare, I found out I was blank. Turns out when those people said “it cleans out your system” they weren’t joking.

So I sought out a remedy and I was told by Donneli that some weed might help.  I thought and decided at least I’m taking it for the right reason.

You know that feeling Obama had when he was elected in as the first nigga to be a president of USA…yeah….well it can’t be compared to what I felt after smoking a joint as big as Toke’s Bum.Everything was so clear, I mean I finally understood the message Vic O was trying to pass out, why Kanye only follows Kim K (Folks it’s not ‘cos of love…understood…Okay). While we were on our way all I could feel was peace! Peace in CU.

Am I there yet?

You see I met Peace immediately after taking the joint. Peace had a curve to die for, an ass that needed an entourage and a british accent. We started talking while on our way to the venue.When we arrived, Peace told me to loosen up adding that a very good way to start is by telling a smart joke. Only thing I could come up with was “Chuck Norris and Alomo had a fight, guess who’s bitter about that now”

Who’s bitter now?

I was called upon, and I was asked my name “Eluwande Yomi” adding “I’m also here with peace”. And them judges were like” we all are here with peace too”, I was amazed ‘cos apparently we all smoked the same joint this morning.In the middle of my debate Peace came up to me on stage, I was planning on telling her to go back but looked like them judges were comfortable with it. She instructed me to keep shut adding the Judges weren’t even listening to me at all and she was correct. Apparently they were all talking to their own version of Peace.

Wow! They are all identical!

Who? Mr Yomi..A Judge asked

Miss Peace…I said pointing to their sides.

Suddenly the judges started farting…

Oh, a farting contest innit? I said… then I started mine giving each sounds from Do Re Mi to Do

After we finished, they all started to do push-ups bare chested, and I joined! For some reason I was being recorded, my pictures were taken!

“Apparently this must be an official contest” I thought.  At this point Peace was even doing push-ups, apart from the fact that she had three tits, the only thing I found odd was that her right tit was bigger than the left. Odd Innit? That day became the worst in my life. Not because I didn’t win the debate, Not because of my antics, but because I never saw Peace again.Now no matter how high I looked or how many stones I left uncovered (did you see what I did there?) I never saw her again!

*sigh* Hope you learnt something new today?

Remember “Artists use lies to tell the truth” That chick’s father  from V for Vendetta

Drop your comments below.

DISCLAIMER

We at PBL would like to tell you that any gbagaun(funny word… isn’t it) found should be returned to the owner.

Whosoever was featured, ( Toke Simi Donneli ) I would like to thank you very much!

Thank You.

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Intro

Greetings mere mortals.
If you are on this page that means you were informed through subscription or your jobless ass just opened a random link on twitter.

Anyways I don’t care about how you got here all I know is you are on His Awesomeness’s page.

I go by the name Joe Kerr, you might have seen of my works in the “In my head” category……yeah that was me. I would just like to tell y’all that I would be dropping by sometimes for that mortal Yomi and making some posts. Now you better make sure your ass reads all of my posts or else………..

Now where’s that fool Yomi, been trying to guide him on the path of immortality but his sorry ass is just a dull fool.

Yo! I’m done typing!

I know, afterall…..

Will you STFU and let these people be on their way outta here.

Re-Search; A tale of Lagthers

Hey Mortals!

Welcome to another post where you learn nothing but you still LOL.

So grab a seat, and be entertained.

We at PBL™ have been doing some research (Yes, Research! *nodding head*) and we have brought up some topics that are very mind-blowing, mind-boggling, e.t.c
Topics that could give y’all headaches (maybe not).

Before We begin, y’all know what a “laugh track” is right? ;It’s always in all these comedy shows, where people are heard laughing, but can’t be seen. Knowledge is Wisdom!!!

So anywhere you see laugh please do laugh, if possible laugh out loud.

First, we start with Mr. Flowsick who just recently released the video of his hit-track “Lowkey”

In the aforementioned song, we can hear Mr. Flowsick saying “Let me give it to you lowkey”

What is it he wants to give?

And why does he want to give her in a key that is very low, We all know keys that are low on piano are somewhat discreet(I’m no musician) but Mr Flowsick was actually very loud throughout the whole song. *laugh*

Another school of thought believes lowkey as used in the song could imply sex, and he wants to give it to “you” lowkey. How you have sex with someone in lowkey still beats me.

Is it that he doesn’t enter fully? *laugh*

Or he enters with a half erection? *laugh*

Or he just………..*sigh*

Are we even sure He/She wants it in a “lowkey” form? Yes, it could be a He!
We all know about the recent trend;
Like that time that person kissed this person.
Or that time this person posed in a position meant for females only.
Or that time this person started wearing female accessories!
I digress.
Another school of thought believes he just tried to made a song and title it with a very popular word on Twitter.

Another school of thought believes his creative juices got sick and stopped flowing (See what I did there, you don’t? (-_- ). *laugh*
Well, I agree with them!

They also go on suggesting that Mr. Flowsick might be a pedophile ‘cos he keeps repeating “don’t let your father/mother know, let me give it to you lowkey” *laugh*
Is it me or has a Whiz of a Kid not used that line before? (taps chest) Aal is Well *laugh*

Well, I agree with them!

Another topic that interests us is;Invasion of the Sunglasses otherwise known as Shades.

A sun-glass (mostly dark) is a form of accessory that protects the eyes from the rays emitted by the Sun, that’s what it used to be before it was being used in Nigeria. You see a Lotta people wearing ’em Shades in buildings or at night!

Even movie actors like Tim Jyke have been found guilty. I mean, how does a nigga go around in a building only in a black & white format, say gibberish things and kick random things all at a time *laugh*

When I see bouncers at nightclubs, I’m like; nigga I know you are doing your job and you think wearing a dark sunglass makes you tough, but right now you are on the same par with a Bimbo *laugh* and you look so not tough either *laugh*
It’s not meant to be worn at night, if not it should have been named Nightshade*laugh*

And if you feel the need to wear something at night to protect your eyes, you might as well use a Night vision google *laugh*
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Well, we hope you have been fascinated by these fascinating, entertained by this entertaining topics. We appreciate your time, and please share your views using the comment box.

Don’t miss the upcoming posts. Subscribe!!!

DISCLAIMER

Did you know if you look at the word “laugh” for 20 seconds, you pronounce it as “lag” in your mind. True Story *laugh*

Are you doing it??? I knew you would! I shake my head in disbelief.

Please, I do not criticize anybody, ‘cos I know I might not do better.
Any sub/negative comment shall be protected by my armor of Starch *laugh*

Enough of this lagther *laugh*

Yomi Out.

“Sideprick”

*dusts blog, grabs a stool and starts reading a book*

Please watch the floor while you step into this blog, ‘cos I’m about to drop some knowledge
(cool innit)

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I wonder why guys trouble themselves trying to impress a girl, you see them reading books like “How to get your dream girl” “How to score with her” “How to know if she is Mrs Right?” and “How to fulfill your sexual desires using telepathy”e.t.c
But then again wondering about that is like trying to imagine what goes through Zamani’s mind when free styling/all the time.
Therefore I come with my own book “Why go through the troubles when you can be a Sideprick™!”

Yes! A sideprick™ as seen in Oxford™ Dictionary can be defined as a guy/girl/transvestite who engages only in a physical relationship with a girl with no strings attached. Well, maybe with a G. (See what I did there!)
No awkward post-sex cuddling, post-sex convo, No “L” word involved.We all know what people think of a sidechick;that they be bitches, they get no love, they only be in it for the sex…e.t.c which I think is uncalled for, I mean someone has to do it or else jelly might cease to be what it is. So in this case, A sideprick™ wins in whatever situation.

If you are still contemplating on how you will be seen with the sideprickee™ (Yep, I trademark my stuff), well life is easy.

When you are walking with the aforementioned sideprickee™ and you see any of her friends and she asks you about you, all you say is she is your distant cousin who you came to visit.

Also add the fact that you will be coming to visit her in a while. This is the perfect way to hide the truth, and she has no need to be annoyed because YOU are the Sideprick™

If accidentally you bump into her parents (which should never happen) and you are being questioned, tell them you are partners in a project that needs a skin to skin relationship in order for it to be effective.

When you get questioned by her younger siblings just use big words; like you guys are former paramour and that you decided to be acquaintances and you are on of your periodical visits.
That should do.

When you are with your friends, be careful what you say because it depicts who you are……
Just tell them!
With great power comes great power responsibility, only a few are chosen.
If you are chosen, please rep the Sideprickhood™ with loyalty, passion and sincerity.

WHAT ARE YOU STILL WAITING FOR? BE A SIDEPRICK TODAY!
Or waste your time reading the sentence below!

Get an iPad for 50% the price, or half the price!!!

Whichever is cheaper.

In other news, we at PBL™ Inc. have decided to praise some of our celebrities in Nigeria by highlighting some of their body parts in every post including this one.

WORLD PREMIERE:

Alex Usifo, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, and lastly our dear Mo’cheddah have been nominated for “Celebrity with huge nostrils”

After serious debates, and taking sizes into consideration: Alex Usifo wins.

DISCLAIMER

We at PBL™ Inc. cannot guarantee you the luxury of  doing the award every post but we will do our best.

Less I forget the above post was inspired by @dhamyhan

One more thing before we finish, We’d appreciate if you’d sign up for this blog

Thank You.

Letter to You

Erm, This is very difficult to do, since I do no longer know who you are and I do not know how to address you.

I just hope you get my point.

As I said, This is a difficult letter to write, I’m no longer sure who/what you are. Most of you might concur with me

I thought you were the fun places we used to visit. You were the music I craved to listen to: the Fela Kuti, the KSA

the Lagbaja, the Ebenezer Obey. How I miss those days.

You wrote some really great books. You created Chinua Achebe (Things fall Apart), Wole Soyinka (The Lion and the jewel)

You were the Obafemi Awolowo,a great leader that never became President and Nnamdi Azikwe,the first president and

Fela Kuti, the singer of the great republic. You were the M.K.O, Emeka Ojukwu, Ladoke Akintola, Tafawa Balewa, Ahmadu

Bello, Abubakar Muhammed, heroic walkers of the street. You were the Herbert Macaulay, Lt. Colonel Fajuyi, Major General Ironsi who went after the sham in you, because they thought you could do better.

You were Kanayo O. Kanayo and Co. in Living in the bondage, you were Hubert Ogunde in Mister Johnson. You stood up for freedom, honesty, and justice, you protected the innocent. I believed most of that. I think you did too. It seemed true at the time.

Even though you also created the villians; The OBJ, The IBB, The Abacha, The Buhari, The GEJ, The TweetO…….

You put God on the money, though even then. You had a way of thinking that the things of Caesar were the same things as of God; that gave you confidence. You have always wanted to be a city upon a hill, a light to all nations, and for

a while you were. Give me your tired, your poor, you sang, and for a while you meant it.

We’ve always been close, you and we. History, that old entangler, has twisted us together since the 1800s. Some of us used to be you; some of us want to be you; some of you used to be us. You are not only our neighbors; in many cases- mine for instance you are also blood-relations, our colleagues and our personal friend.

But although we’ve had a ringside seat, we’ve never understood you completely (at all) We’re like monkeys (pun not intended) Monkey see, Monkey do. We don’t even ask; What are we doing, Why? What are doing now? Are fulfilling ourselves. Why is the Soothsayer wholesaling the Bewares?

I’m sure that has been my difficulty in writing this letter. I’m not sure I know who you are, or what is even going on.

All I  know is you have had bad companies, you have had to withstand bad and ineffective leaders.

Anyway, you have a huge posse of experienced entrail-sifters who do nothing but analyze your every vein and lobes. What can I tel you about yourself that you don’t know already?

This might be the reason for my hesitation: embarrassment brought upon by a becoming modesty. But it is more likely to be embarrassmnt of another sort. When I remember when my friend who is also of Ghanian descent told me he would rather apply for a US visa in Ghana, I just gaze out the window.

And that is my inclination; keep your mouth shut; mind your business

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The above was originally a piece on America in a text, but I tweaked it a little.

Thanks for reading